pet peeves. volume 1.

there are some things in life that are just unnecessary. or more to the point just straight up annoying and need to be dealt with appropriately. a slap in the chops usually suffices. the following are things i have seen; while on the tube, in shops, in restaurants and after trying my hardest not to screw my face up in disgust without a care in the world if the certain 'dirty person' sees me or not.

dawdlers

picture the scene. saturday. oxford street. its ridiculously busy. ram jam. sales are on. thick parents trying to steer their pushchairs with overwhelmed screeching babies in tow through the sardined packed crowds. wannabe WAGS teetering around in heels, head to toe in sequins, holding a venti-mocha-locha-extra double shot-dry-extra hot-frappe-no coffee-frothy-no froth coffee from starbucks, trying to manage the whole of topshop and all saints over their shoulders. however, at least they are in a rush. which is essentially by far the better option in london. we got things to do, people to see, places to get to making us feel really important. "sorry sorry, can't chat so ping me on my BB yeah?"

but, what really makes me want to stop in the middle of the street, stamp my foot and scream FOR CRYING OUT EFFING LOUD is the dawdlers. the irritating, infuriating people that think its the time and place to take pleasant summer strolls up and down the streets?! WHY ARE YOU WINDOW SHOPPING?! why are you walking so friggin slow mesmerised by the budget window display in debenhams that stops you in your tracks?! GET OUT OF MY WAY before i push you into the glass and make you a real life mannequin.

mcdonalds munchers


ok. calm. deep breaths. right.
i love mcdonalds as much as the next. (yes you do too, all you secret 2 bites and its gone cheeseburger lovers, you love it). especially when its fresh. 2am. hackney central branch. big macs made that actually look like they have layers not just 2 slabs of beef pattie, with the secret big mac sauce squelching out all over the shop. BUT, believe it or not there is some golden arches etiquette that alot of people seem to forget:

- the sauce is for the chips, NOT the burgers. why do people think its ok to dip the burger in the obviously teeny pot of sauce specifically MADE FOR CHIPS.

- you do NOT use a chip as a make shift knife to then smear your ketchup/ curry sauce all over the burger... it has its own sauce if you hadn't noticed. but no. you probably didn't because you were too busy:

- cramming a fistful of chips, INTO the sauce and then forcing the dripping bunch of fries, into your mouth, taking a large swig of coke to mush it all up with. you can breathe you know? its not going anywhere.

- you do not need to eat like its your first meal in 5 days. wolfing down the chips at the till, before you've even paid and they are piping hot, burning the roof of your mouth. JUST CHILL. its butters and greedy.

so all i'm saying is really, you go get yourself a bargain in the crappy sales, i really hope you do find something still extortionately expensive that was never on the shop floor previously anyway but has been brought out to get rid. and by all means enjoy the wonders of ronalds gaff but remember you are in a classy, michelin starred establishment. not the zoo.