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Yet another meaningless awards show where nobody actually cares who wins what award because the charts are crawling with over produced, bullshit Calvin Harris garb anyway and another show where all you want to see is who is wearing what and walking the red carpet with who. What you DON'T want to see however..is Miley Cyrus. A gyrating, (I'm not saying 'twerking'; I've had it to the back teeth with hearing twerking) flesh coloured latex wearing 20 year old, who has a tongue so long and big it could rival that of a horse. She spent the whole song trying to essentially lick her earlobes and quite frankly, I would absolutely love to stand by and watch her tongue be ferociously rolled up like one of those metal measuring tapes and listen to it snap as it hits the back of her throat.
Soz, but can you STFU? Like literally, shut your mouth.
I just wonder who is telling her all of this attention seeking and slutty inspired behaviour is actually okay? Seemingly, there is no one around (her parents included) who haven't thought to have a quiet word, telling her rather bluntly to just rein it in a tad. It was the unnecessary boob gripsing, crotch grabs, the dry humping with a foamy Mickey Mouse hand (oh the irony) and the winding up against Robin Thicke's groin in a pair of rubber undercrackers and white creepers that just really funked me out. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?? I mean, from the off I've always thought that Robin looks a bit like a creep anyway but even his face screamed "Jesus Christ, I can't touch her back... SHE'S A CHILD!" Everyone from Will Smith to Rihanna didn't have a clue either as they sat with literal looks of agonising disgust and disdain. And don't even get me started on the fact that she jacked Pharrell's part in 'Blurred Lines'. And hashed it up royally. Back the eff off Miley. Seriously. Don't add insult to injury, love.
I'm also glad she turned up in bejewelled lycra black leggings and a crop top. It's good to see her stylist has lost the plot also.
Whilst I still haven't shaken the cringe shudders, I think it's time to move on. Before I sound like I'm trolling. (Yeah, I know I already probably am but whatevs). If we're talking highlights of the show, and I use highlights loosely, I guess we can take some time to appreciate the one off and muchly anticipated return performance of *NSYNC. Or for clarification: 'Justin Timberlake featuring *NSYNC'. (Think Beyonce allowing Kelly and Michelle to make a six second appearance at this year's Superbowl. PAH!) Anyway, headed up as per, by Mr JT (who for some reason still thinks it's cool to wear a trilby...really?) it was good to hear a medley of all their old bangers. I've no shame in admitting I was a big fan of the them way back when; my first crush being a peroxide blonde, S-curl sporting Justin who could sing really high and do the running man in dungarees and Timberlands. Taking centre stage, he was backed up by JC and the 'other ones', who let's be honest didn't have their microphones switched on (and probably have never had) as they all body popped to 'Bye Bye Bye'. A nostalgic trip ensued but there was no denying you could see that collectively they'd put on about three stone, Lance at one point forgot the dance routine and Joey Fatone (LOL) looked like he was going to keel over about 30 seconds in. But it was great all the same. Without a doubt, my favourite part was when the performance had completely finished, Justin did a 'thank you' shout out to the applauding audience when JC then felt it necessary, out of nowhere, to belt out a warbling and out of tune 'baaaaaabbbbyyyyyy'.
Cheers JC. The song definitely wasn't over. (Skip to 1.44. It's LOLZ)
If I'm honest, I turned off after that. They did an announcement that Macklemore (who?), A$AP Rocky and Katy Perry would be on next so I switched over. I was also super bored of having to watch the camera pan to Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez for the umpteenth time as they tried to grind against each other singing along to Yeezus himself. Even Rihanna was bored of it all. There wasn't a side boob, navel or arse crack on show from Miss Ri-Ri, instead turned up looking glum as shit in a bland ensemble of jeans, a tee and a circa 92' diamante choker. Oh, and a gum piercing in between her two front teeth that looked like a silver piece of trapped spinach. So all in all, her 'giveafuck' metre was at an all time low. Much like mine by this point.
On a whole, the whole thing jarred me. Despite disappearing for a while to work on her 'artpop and music', (WHAT?) Lady Gaga's predictable comeback was just her once again pratting around the stage like a noob, in yet another ridiculously stupid spread of insane wigs and outfits. I'd rather rewind and take a trip back to 2001. To Britney Spears and 'I'm a Slave 4 U'. To THAT green bra and THAT stomach...and a casual snake appearance. Sure. Just the right amount of sexy, the perfect amount of surprise and a great pop song. She smashed it. Much like the car windows she did in a few years later. But still.
