how do you like kate's eggs in the morning jamie?

fried.

"wakey wakey rise and shine!" says photographer terry richardson as he wades through what is probably the messiest, most debauched honeymoon suite the ritz has ever encountered; kate's galliano dress strewn across the floor, a pair of scuffed manolos kicking about from where she's clambered up on stage to sing/ pole dance/ strip (every opportunity) all alongside jamie's cowboy boots and powder blue two piece in a heap in amongst cans of stella and half eaten sausages on sticks....

it's the morning (blates late afternoon/ early evening) after the night before and the second most important wedding of the year (i'd put lily allen in there too but i thought better of it after that ridiculous head piece she decided on)and the new mr and mrs moss are papped looking proud as punch.

it's your standard really: kate with her baps out, perfectly pouting with super legit bed hair, real deal smokey eyes and jamie rocking a hairstyle that damon albarn would be jealous of circa 1997, sporting a sterling silver t bone necklace?? sure.

whatevs tho.

still love them and we should take this time to appreciate its jamie "you don't really know any of my songs but my god, i'm a lucky git bagging her" hince that kate has slurred her vows to and not that waste of living breathing space pete doherty.

amen.

"you know you love her....xoxo"

this following lady is literally living the dream. on a daily, daily.

let me break it down for you....

shes the star gossip girl meaning she has locked lips with chace crawford, ed westwick AND penn badgley. WIN. WIN and WIN.

she is forever swamped head to toe in designer garms, flawlessly managing to turn the 'either boobs or legs' rule on its head, pulling out all the stops in a head turning ensemble without looking like a slag bag.





she has had a pair of louboutins NAMED after her and recently pootled around on her own private shopping sesh in sir christian's flagship store. as you do.

and to top it all off, has just fronted the new chanel mademoiselle handbag campaign. are you actually being serious? photographed by karl lagerfeld himself, she's probably the only blonde in the world (brunette for life) i envy. one of the very few american girls who don't nauseate me to shit.









go blake!

totally jumping on the bandwagon. toot toot!

ahh the BRITS. the british version of 'the grammys'... really?? noooooot too sure about that to be honest.

when you look back and remember groups like 5ive (yes, thats really how they spelt their name) who have previously won brit awards and whose members included the likes of someone called 'abs', i just think the prestige value of the event decreases a little you know? then theres always the award for 'best female' going to someone that NOBODY has ever heard of... like didn't PJ Harvey win best female for like 5 years in a row? i'm sorry, and i speak for the rest of the world watching, but i'm not entirely sure who you are. same every year.

it's also a time for all the old stars to come creeping out from the woodwork, rearing their fame hungry heads, itching to get papped and made relevant again. take this year for example: sophie ellis bextor. why are you here? you haven't had a hit since 'murder on the dancefloor' and still living off the glory that you 'presented an award once'. great. i'm sure jamelia was lurking about the background in a lipsy dress somewhere too.

it's not all bad though. if you don't give a shit about the actual awards like myself, you do get to rate and slate the dresses and messes as they hit the red carpet.

some of my faves:

i find her voice slightly irritating and whiney, BUT pink hair, a vivienne westwood dress and studded christian louboutins? she scrubs up quite nicely.


i love how she can go from dutty wining in a barely there leotard with buttocks and boobs all on show, singing about chains and whips to a cutesy oscar de la renta gown all in a nights work. go rhi rhi!


ticks all the boxes does yasmin. simple but not boring. right amount of skin exposure and not tacky (take note cheryl cole, you might wanna cover up that ever growing tramp stamp on your back, adding butterflies and vines is not helping you out). a banging barnet and a dash of red lippy. top notch.


man of the moment tinie. theres just so many things i love about this pic! mummy and daddy tempah looking proud as punch, his mum in full african regalia clinching a bottle of champs and a beaming pops in a crisp bow tie and suit. tinie looks alright too in his nude suit but totes outshone by the rents. big!

and now for those who clearly bypassed the mirror on the way out:


there's no denying doolittle has a cracking set of pins but a seethrough white mini dress for starters and additional choker? sorry. it's a no from me. i won't even begin to mention the crochet car crash going on at the back of the dress either. (or her hair...its needs a trim. and a wash.)


right ok so...a pleather jacket, some form of beaded key chain and a pair of no named velcroed high tops? and lets not forget the lip gloss. you're cute biebs and i love the little tourettes esque hair flick you do, but this is all wrong. why don't you snuggle back into your babygrow, sit back and wait for your voice to break yeah?

despite all of this though, disaster dresses, embarrassing speeches and cringing at peter andre telling all the stars how it was an 'honour' to meet them as they nervously answered questions not knowing who the fuck he was, there was one person who totally smashed the night up, hands down.

the gorgeous adele. not only did her performance give me goosebumps and make me envy her always picture perfect eye make up, there wasn't a strobe light or david guetta sound sample to be seen or heard. stripped down and mesmeric. absolutely heart her. here she is singing the current soundtrack to my life. literally:



amaze.

corinne loves adam loves drew.

so you're probably all thinking i'd be using this day as a prime time opportunity to have the ultimate bitch and rant about february 14th. you know, a big ol' spiel about how happy i am being a singleton on the day of love and that i'm TOTALLY cool with it, like totally... *ahem* and how i spent my lunch mopping up my own vomit after seeing men rushing out to buy roses on their lunch break for their loved up wives and girlfriends and how i'm really really excited (genuinely though) about my all the meal deals going on for this eve cos the way to MY heart is through my stomach. literally. so i'm going to pick the bestest one/ best value for money/ cheapest/ probably the most grimiest one cos i'm brassic.... will go home, bang on 'the wedding singer' and drift nicely off into a hazy, pink champagney filled doze...

and so to just to prove to you all that i'm not a bitter 25 year old spinster and that i'm really not at all jealous of all you lovely couples out there, hitting up your local pizza express with the rest of the world and their dogs, sharing over cooked doughballs by the flame of a single tea light followed by the completely unnecessary reenactment of the lady and the tramp spaghetti moment, all just before you hand over your 2 for 1 vouchers...

i leave with you with this. it gets me everytime: full blown tears, lip trembling, the full shebang. and i dont know why.... its adam sandler in horrendous 80's get up and a permed mullet and some ridiculously turd acting from billy idol that makes you cringe. but i love it. and i heart this song to pieces.



so here's to getting old and wrinkly with the one you love. honest!

happy valentines day! x

it moss be love...

so new girl kate middleton is a bit special. what with her being the future queen of england and all that, i'm not gonna hate. she's got a cracking barnet giving cheryl "i've got shit loads of hair extensions in but l'oreal still pay me millions to promote natural, healthy hair" cole a run for her money and she's got swag for daaaays when she's bussing that sapphire engagement ring- forefront of the photos, strategically placing her hand for all to see and drool over, forcing millions of girls to run out and get a replica in 'mikey'. i think wills has done well for himself so they get my blessing... important. obvs.

but.

theres only one other kate more important in my life, heads and shoulders above the rest...

effortlessly cool, doesn't give a shit about much at all except grey blazers and booze, she says hardly anything at all and doesn't have to, has her most successful year to date after the 'cocaine kate' scandal and made BUCKS, has had 'way back when' lovings with johnny depp (say no more) and almost semi turned me to the other side after her appearance in the white stripes video.

moss. kate moss.

so to celebrate her engagement to that alright looking jamie hince but moreso raising a glass to the fact that shes no longer with the stinking hobo pete doherty, here are a condensed selection of some of my fave kate pics smashing it up over the years....


likes a good cup of rosy lee like the rest of us


smokin'


by far my fave ever kate vogue cover


boobs and a beret. why not?


yep.


scrubs up doesn't she?!


LDN reppin'


oh you know...just rocked out of bed, had a couple snaps taken.


emma watson's crop ain't got shit on the moss.


maxin relaxin'

CONGRATS MISS KATE MOSS

that wedding reception is gonna be one helluva shindig. i say another bank holiday day is needed!

hurrah!

whagwan rastamouse!

who would've thought 3 jamaican mice fighting crimes against cheese has given me the best joke of my actual living breathing life?? ME.

my eyes have only just stopped streaming and i now have a craving for cheese. scrap that, MORE of a craving for cheese. it's kind of there all the time, like a dull headache that won't disappear. forefront of my mind. constantly....


tangent much? sorry.

please enjoy. it's brie-lliant. (sorry i just had to)



i'm basically zooma. and i'm not ashamed.

irie.

january wishlist

january.

after having a full 10 days off for the festive period, i'm unfortunately back at my desk. i was seriously getting used to spending the whole day in my dressing gown (my new one of course cos mum gets me that same type of shit for christmas every year. without fail. no joke), eating pringles and quality street for breakfast, rinsing as much free munch as i can from my mums house before i had to head back to hackney to a fridge full of off milk and furry tomatoes and basically boozing every night because i didn't have to have that age old fight with the snooze button on my alarm for work every morning. ahhh bliss.

not only that my jeans are that little bit tighter when i sit down after nearly 2 weeks of filling my face with cheese, chocolate and whatever else i could get my grubby mits on, my face is that little bit more grouchy (yes, it is possible) because we've been told at work that we are only to use our headphones 'for work related business only', meaning i am being forced and tortured beyond my will to listen to 'paradise fm' playing psychadelic funk shit fucking shit thigh slapping country tunes. this also means watching last nights eastenders on iplayer pop out on the sly is a goner to. brewing. get me back on the sofa watching shitty tv christmas specials and films like kindergarten cop on itv2. you know them ones!

so in times of strife, i've got into making lists. mostly of things i want. not 'to do lists'. you know the, 'must go to gym... must tidy room...must save at least a little bit of cash every month and not spend it all like i'm flossin' nooooo, not those type of lists. i'm talking about wishlists. they water down those january blues....for a little while anyway until you realise you'll never be able to cross them off the list and shout "DONE!".



1. jake gyllenhaal

so i saw 'love and other drugs' the other night. (orange wednesday flex, standard) and whilst i won't begin to bang on about how predicatble the storyline was or how anne hathaway's character lived in circa 1998 denim skirts most of the film, i will instead harp on about the GOD that is jake gyllenhaal. oh my actual LIFE. toe tapping, rooting tootin cowboy boot wearing country singer taylor swift managed to bag him how?! back in the day- donnie darko days and the shite film he made with jennifer aniston days, i thought his eyes were a tad bulbous, frog like almost... (obviously not as scary as peep show's david 'shark eyes' mitchell though. they actually creep me out big time) but after 90 minutes of him basically naked as the day he was born, i'm a changed woman! defs won me over. and now basically a little bit obsessed. totally jealous of hathaway getting to writhe around with him the whole film too...i mean, those sex scenes were RAW. literally, no qualms about it, there were no clever camera angles to hide boob, bums and balls, it was nearing on soft porn, they didn't have a care in the world! not one.

2. ashish for topshop tee

people that know me, will know that my first love is, and always has been...munch. i get grouchy when i'm hungry, i get upset if there are a lack of nibbles at house parties and i would defintely say yes to cheese and crackers if they're going after a fat dessert. after breakfast, i'm thinking of lunch, after lunch i'm thinking of dinner and after dinner i'm thinking of booze and crisps. so when i heard ashish was releasing his 4 piece junk food collection at topshop, i had to get my greasy fingers on an item. i dragged my best mate gemma with me, squealing with excitement when i first saw them....kind of stopped though when i realised they were 40 smackers each. EEEK. but she then turned round and said "it's soooo you.. just get it". so me?! fries, hot dog and coke is soooo me?!

yes. yes i think it is.

3. shoes

ok so it's not the weather for really shitty made, plastic, half open asos flats at the moment but i love them. you can't beat a pair of t- bars! and just like peas and carrots/ rum and coke/ cheese and jam sandwiches (don't knock it 'till you've tried it) it's a match made in heaven with my beautiful new miu miu purse. keeping them apart would be sinful, so i'm doing the best thing for everyone...and purchasing them.

4. holibob

after yet another week of riding the tube, squashed up against a hoard of sweaty wet dogs in the morning everyday due to the typical rainy london weather, i am counting down the days until my winter holiday with my mum and sis. the destination is still undecided but i think it's safe to say we won't be hitting up the caribbean like every single A list celeb and their cat at the moment...



i doubt there will be chilling on yachts in my missoni bikini, raving with p diddy and naomi campbell or having champagne shower parties with paris hilton... it will be more of an 'all in' deal, getting waste with my mum on cheap, gash all you can drink cocktails, eating re heated meatballs and pasta every night swiftly followed by 7 nights of 'fun' avoiding being dragged up to do karaoke and the like with the jersey shore lookalikes entertainment team; the same team of pricks you try not to shout 'FUCK OFF' to in the mornings everytime they ask if you want to join in the pool aerobics...

but there will hopefully be some sun, time to relax and escape the winter blues, if only for 7 days.

until then it's wellies and umbrellas on a daily, googling/perving on jake a bit more, refreshing the voucher sites for asos codes and thinking about lunch of course.