comebacks and go backs

so its the start of a new year and i'm excited to see what we're all going to trapsing up and down in throughout the seasons. i say seasons, i mean the majority of the year facing rain, wind, sleet, rain, bit of snow, rain...did i say rain? followed by a bout of around 4 days of a so called summer in july/august. bussin out factor 20 with the whole of hackney and their dogs in london fields cos you know you've gotta get your 2 hours of sun. tan me UP.

and guys, let us NEVER forget festival season that comes with the pre made must haves 'festival look checklist' i've made for you:

- straw trilby hat
- scarf covered in skulls
- ray ban wayfarer imitations, preferably in yellow/red/neon pink
(or look like an even bigger knob and wear the cut out kanye sunnies in white)
- ONLY hunter wellies and knee highs
- the standard hippy headband to compliment your 'just got out of the tent and haven't showered' bed hair. hmmm, you didn't wake up like that. you backcombed it...still.

(que shouting 'got got got' or 'need need need badly' like you're trading for POG's).

now you are good to GO girls. peaches/pixie/sienna eat your heart out. you've got some stiff competition from the heap of urban outfitters clones dahlings.

listen, i like fashion, i do. and i do spend half my wages on garms, shoes and the like, the other half on burgers and becks, but i'll tell thee now- i'm not going to be writing one of those fashionista blogs, you knooooow the:

"i have to say, quite frankly, i was disappointed with christopher kane's collection this season, you know, i just feel he hasn't progressed, he promised romantic meets futuristic and it was just empty...so empty". humph.

shut up.
however, i will sometimes comment on stuff i like and stuff i think is rubbish and generally dry. K?

comeback

bumbags.
heard through the grapevine they're coming back. i'm down! gonna fish out my mcdonalds neon rainbow collection complete with matching sunnies. tell a lie, they were actually my older sisters. jels. back when i was a yoof, i always got lumbered with a happy meal, then used to bawl to my mum cos they'd always run out of the girls toys meaning i had to make do with 'hot wheels' for boys. then came the inevitable "you'll get what you're given"!! from my screaming mother. cool. i walk off sheepishly and give evils to the little girl next to me playing dress up with barbie. THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN MINE!! wench. but yeh anyway (i'm not bitter) bumbags, i wouldn't mind seeing what they are saying, you gotta have something to hold your trousers up innit?

go back

justin's S curls.

dear oh dear LORD justin. lets get one thing straight...s curls have never been cool. ever. not only that, you're wearing a denim shirt with a bow tie...

but back to your mop of greased up-tight, verging on ginger-blond highlighted curls. gone are the days of days of dating hotties like cameron d and destiny, the skin head, the 'rock your body'ing with pharrell "i look butters now i've got 2 ridiculous gold teeth" williams and co. this is geek chic at it's worst and i am no longer a fan. my advice is go shave your head like your nutter of an ex britney and bring some sexy back cos it's long gone at the moment love.

drama rama/ pet peeves volume 2

its been a while but i have my excuses yeah. ok so of course i haven't beem snowed under with work or anything, lets not get ahead of ourselves eh? but just a case of more school night boozings, a whole heap of hair of the dogs and enough hangover tv watched to last me a lifetime. and now this week all i want to do is drink rosy lee refills with a bowl of m & s macaroni cheese (which by the by, has gone from £1.99 to £2.04 recently. bastards). and watch glee. perfect.

anyhoo, another week has gone by for me to notch up another list of daily annoyances i have had to endure. its a never ending story.

amber rose

sorry what is it that you do?? other than look like a bigger dick than your shorter than you boyfriend kanye west? you're annoying.



jay sean

apparently the asian version of justin timberlake. righty oh.
but OMG, he is blates the ultimate bad man cos he screeches out ALL his songs with lil wayne AND he wears revolting louis v diamante belts along with gem encrusted crucifixes/rosary beads AND speaks in a ridiculous faux american accent when really he's from bolton. AMAZING. i am defs "down, down, down, down, down". to my last nerve.

the "old school garage wasn't around when i was 13 but i still love it" girls

after sneaking in through the 'artists and press' VIP queue at SOME night at the den last week (apparently i'm with the gentlemans dub club. dont WORRY about that. suuuuuure i am), got to the bar to see a bazillion offers about vodka redbulls along with 3 hench pyramids made out of red bull cans only to be told... there was no red bull. fantastic.

it was ram jam and as i tried to make my way down to the dirty dubstep room after having to escape the funky house/ uk funky (as my boyfriend says, anything that has to use the word 'funky' is just wrong from the get go) tripe that had started to infiltrate, i was getting stilletoed left, right and centre by 18 year olds in topshops latest platforms.

get out of my way.

cos i'm actually alright for 'glam grime' raving attire, 8 inch heels, batty riders and a new era hat. go on, bap on an ed hardy hoodie and you really COULD be in the next tinchy stryder video. dream a little dream.

moving swiftly onto the next room. old school garage pumpin and on comes miss dynamitee-heeee. look, just sing 'boo' and then go...we don't know your new stuff and we don't really care. you ain't making a comeback. anyway what really peeved me was the singalong crew behind me. after the mc's were telling us to "throw your hands up for aighty aighty" (thats haiti to you and me)the 'we love garage but were actually only 10 when it came out' girls were screaming and "when i say, you say, we say" ing in my friggin ear for the rest of the night. ohhh maybe, i was just being a grouching party pooper cos in the back of my mind i had 4 hours of sleep to grab before work and all these young guns had to think about was their 1pm lecture that they had tomorrow on conceptual art but were inevitably not going to go to. the life eh?

so yeah, thats all for now folks. do keep your eyes peeled for more wooly condom wearing pics of miss rose, i'm sure shes got an array of retarded costumes to showcase in the coming weeks.

for charidee

doing my bit for the haiti charity and get to have a dirty shack out skank out to boot.

on a wednesday.
don't worry.

when i grow up i want to be....

you've all seen it. and i know you are all thinking the same as me but think its too deep to say out loud. well i don't.

the absolutley cracking new kfc ad.



would i be right in saying that it's changed ALL your views on working at the classiest, healthiest establishment in town? made you more open minded about future career choices if the recession really fooks you over? thought so.

the budding chef, all smiles for the camera, harping on about his love of food, how its "all about the 'secret' fresh ingredients", yeah, i bloody bet it is. like "what secret ingredient of fingernail dirt, pube or ball of earwax shall we hide in your twister wrap today"? sorry guys, but thats what goes down behind the chip fryer when all you see is his chef hat/baseball cap bobbing up and down, laughing to himself because according to him "if a jobs worth doing, its worth doing well".

cut to the close up of the plastic looking salad, 1 tomato if you get lucky plus the guaranteed stale carrot shreds and it is looking FRESH. he really has learnt a lot from working there. bless. the menu is hard to beat.

look, i'm sorry. but it will forever and always.... be KFC. where people sit hunched over the latest bargain box, ripping apart a miniscule hot wing with glistening greased up fingers and their mouths slobbering all over an oily corn on the cob smithy and nessa style. and then you whip out the coveted kfc anti bacterial cleaning wipe that cleans aaaallll the dirt away.

it doesn't. go and wash your hands.

but it is the king of all chicken shops! and i could never take that away from the colonel and his minions, who on a daily wear ACTUAL kfc branded tshirts, caps and jeans....yes jeans. but theres no getting away from the simple fact this advert tries excrutiatingly hard to try and persuade us all that working at kfc is like working in the bustling kitchens of ramsey or oliver or blumenthal- actually maybe not blumenthal as his gaffs did get shut down by the health services for food poisoning claims. but then thats what you get for being EXTRA whipping up a rinse out £200 scoop of egg and bacon ice cream nonsense. i'm alright for it heston, just send me a steak and chips please with a slab of fatty fudge cake for afters. saaaaaafe!

finger lickin' good it may be. fingers getting licked whilst cooking it- higher possibility. don't get me wrong, i love a fillet burger with cheese, i do. however, i don't think i will EVER be convinced otherwise that kfc workers couldn't be happier than when they are coating 2 week old chicken breasts in breadcrumbs.

shock a bloc

now, i've never been into brawn. ever. and i've also never been into the greasy-slick rick-kebab shop working-slime ball type either.

so while i'm still in the middle of picking my bottom jaw up from the floor, mouth wide open in amazement about how hot megan fox looks in the new armani ads, it's a whole other level of 'wow' after seeing cristiano 'do you want chilli, garlic, mayonaise with your chips?' ronaldo this morning in his kegs.

no word of a lie, i actually nearly threw up into my bowl of weetabix seeing the RIDICULOUS adverts...the preened eyebrows? the danny suko hair? the horrific waistcoat and jeans ensemble making him look like an extra out of an old new kids on the block video?



i'll pass thanks. give me the fox any day of the week.

bootielicious

so now that santa is cotching down somewhere for another 300 odd days, probably hitting the beach in the caribbean or summin, i spose its down to me to start getting my save on for these ss10 vivienne westwood booties.

too cute.

pet peeves. volume 1.

there are some things in life that are just unnecessary. or more to the point just straight up annoying and need to be dealt with appropriately. a slap in the chops usually suffices. the following are things i have seen; while on the tube, in shops, in restaurants and after trying my hardest not to screw my face up in disgust without a care in the world if the certain 'dirty person' sees me or not.

dawdlers

picture the scene. saturday. oxford street. its ridiculously busy. ram jam. sales are on. thick parents trying to steer their pushchairs with overwhelmed screeching babies in tow through the sardined packed crowds. wannabe WAGS teetering around in heels, head to toe in sequins, holding a venti-mocha-locha-extra double shot-dry-extra hot-frappe-no coffee-frothy-no froth coffee from starbucks, trying to manage the whole of topshop and all saints over their shoulders. however, at least they are in a rush. which is essentially by far the better option in london. we got things to do, people to see, places to get to making us feel really important. "sorry sorry, can't chat so ping me on my BB yeah?"

but, what really makes me want to stop in the middle of the street, stamp my foot and scream FOR CRYING OUT EFFING LOUD is the dawdlers. the irritating, infuriating people that think its the time and place to take pleasant summer strolls up and down the streets?! WHY ARE YOU WINDOW SHOPPING?! why are you walking so friggin slow mesmerised by the budget window display in debenhams that stops you in your tracks?! GET OUT OF MY WAY before i push you into the glass and make you a real life mannequin.

mcdonalds munchers


ok. calm. deep breaths. right.
i love mcdonalds as much as the next. (yes you do too, all you secret 2 bites and its gone cheeseburger lovers, you love it). especially when its fresh. 2am. hackney central branch. big macs made that actually look like they have layers not just 2 slabs of beef pattie, with the secret big mac sauce squelching out all over the shop. BUT, believe it or not there is some golden arches etiquette that alot of people seem to forget:

- the sauce is for the chips, NOT the burgers. why do people think its ok to dip the burger in the obviously teeny pot of sauce specifically MADE FOR CHIPS.

- you do NOT use a chip as a make shift knife to then smear your ketchup/ curry sauce all over the burger... it has its own sauce if you hadn't noticed. but no. you probably didn't because you were too busy:

- cramming a fistful of chips, INTO the sauce and then forcing the dripping bunch of fries, into your mouth, taking a large swig of coke to mush it all up with. you can breathe you know? its not going anywhere.

- you do not need to eat like its your first meal in 5 days. wolfing down the chips at the till, before you've even paid and they are piping hot, burning the roof of your mouth. JUST CHILL. its butters and greedy.

so all i'm saying is really, you go get yourself a bargain in the crappy sales, i really hope you do find something still extortionately expensive that was never on the shop floor previously anyway but has been brought out to get rid. and by all means enjoy the wonders of ronalds gaff but remember you are in a classy, michelin starred establishment. not the zoo.