"THIS IS MY YEAR". Course it is.

Monday 6^th January 2014. 

YAY.

Supposedly the most depressing day of the year. There is no supposedly about it. It’s straight fact even with no proof and no statistics. 

Today is the day you reflect on those blissful 10 days off; most of which you’ve spent hungover, demolishing a cheese board or dicking your early December pay check up the wall in the sales or down your local with all your ‘friends’ back home.  You’re back at work about three stone heavier, by 9.45am you’ve already bored  yourself to death after telling the same dry “Christmas was good thanks yeah… really chilled, ate loads, drunk loads, you know… the usual” story to people (you don’t ever really talk to) at the coffee machine and yeah, you’re back at work, actually having to ‘work’ Jeez. It might just be worth ending it all at lunch right? 

But WAIT. 

That would be silly wouldn’t it? Because, how on earth are you then going be able to carry out that life changing bunch of New Year’s resolutions you made?! Guys, we haven’t thought this through at all. 

So for those of you who truly believe ‘this year is going to be your year’ (because obviously, it WILL be), I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know that we’re in the same boat. The same ‘half-hearted, half-inflated- on the verge of collapsing before the end of January’ dinghy boat we can call life.

Here are my resolutions: that I’m not at any point going to keep. LEZBEHONEST.

1. To be less agg  

C’maaaan. Unroll those eyes and hear me out. I’ve realised, after a mere 28 years, that I do indeed have a short fuse when it comes to a few most  things. The current plan is to stop those nasty thoughts going through my mind; those ones that involve wanting  to punch people in the back of the head when they try and tap in with their NON-TOPPED UP oyster cards five times in a row and then dilly dally at the gates in a tizz wondering why ENTRY IS DENIED. Others include wanting to scream “YOU’RE A RANK HUMAN BEING” at the gannets that lick their yoghurt lids like it’s their last meal on earth. Not to mention wanting to lamp those who put up #nofilter #nomakeup #justmyarse selfies on Instagram. So what I’ve realised is that in order to keep this resolution in place and to lengthen the fuse if you will, is to hope people basically start being less fucking annoying.

2.   Make more packed lunches

Pret, Eat and all the other rinse out fast food joints are parring my whole entire life. You’re looking at about £7 for a sandwich, drink and a half full packet of really weird flavoured crisps. It’s crippling my bank account and the food’s not even that good. So the plan is to make more lunches to take into work. It will mean having to stop sitting on the sofa in my coat for two hours after I’ve got in, finally getting up and popping in a ready meal/ potato waffles and beans/ pizza and instead, make two (healthy) meals to save me money and improve my diet. Sure.

Can't wait for lunch.

3.   Read more, watch less Netflix 

My excuse for my lack of reading of late is not having a lamp or bedside table. It’s true. It’s nothing to do with spending all my time with my new, current hunky squeeze… Netflix.  Nothing at all. It's not like it's becoming increasingly more difficult to switch off from Netters when it starts up the next episode to that new unknown HBO series I’ve already caned 15 episodes of just as the credits start to roll on the previous. One more episode isn’t harming my social life, causing me an inability to leave my bed/shower/talk to other humans but I’m thinking I should probably swap that shit rom com that went straight to DVD for a book instead…. after I get my table of course.

4. Bosh the shit I don’t wear on Ebay

While (both) my wardrobes are bursting at the hinges with jumpers, jeans and crop tops I haven’t worn circa 2000, the possible death by smothering doesn’t stop me from staring at them all blankly as  I say to myself “BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR” every morning because clearly, I do. So this needs to stop and an Ebay session needs to happen. Having the initial Sunday clear out on a disgusting hang, then taking photos of all the items, followed by uploading them via iPhone, adding prices/ descriptions/ bullshit buzzwords like 'vintage', 'retro' and 'Alexa Chung' to every item and then finally sending them out across the UK will not be a detterent at all.

"I've literally got nothing to wear. NOTHINGGGGGGGG"

So like I said: this is my year, your year, the year for change, new beginnings, more lolz and less mugging offs, more saving, less spending, more acting like an adult, less of being a dick.

I’m excited… aren’t you?