payday schmayday

for most, payday is their favourite day of the month. you treat yourself to a grande (not tall) starbucks in the morning, a hench lunch because it's the day you can rejoice and not feel guilty about not having to eat your 30th homemade tuna roll, you go down town after work and pick up those shoes you've been oggling online all week and then you're off to paint it red, hitting as many happy hours as poss before you pass out and forget your own name. you wake up the next morning, dragging your sorry hanging arse to mcdonalds to gnaw on a rock hard muffin, you start to hack into the splat of congealed scrambled egg, still not getting used to the fact that the sausage resembles a pattie (because you are basically eating a burger at 10am) which is smothered in sweet sticky syrup from the american-esque pancakes. finally, it's all topped off with a piping hot cup of water that tastes remotely like tea and burns off about 4 layers from the roof of your mouth. just me?

FANTASTIC.

however, my newly imbursed bank account doesn't stay flush for long. cos those couple days after payday is a complete wipe out. i have direct debits and standing orders coming out of my ears, i check my account a week in and i've gone depressingly back to square one.

POOR. BROKE. BRASS.


and as the month flies by, all before i can even sing:

"can you pay my billlls, can you pay my telephone billlls?"

the same scenario plays out like a broken record. (a really annoying catchy one). every month. without fail.

i sit and stare in disbelief at my online banking balance: '1am, £40 cash withdrawl: shoreditch' here, '2am: card payment for a ridiculously expensive round at a pub' there, yet all the while i'm scanning the 'new in' page on asos.com, profusely clicking the 'add to basket' button on jumpsuits, shoe boots and belts. but it's the cheeky tenners that really dent the wallet. the 'fuck it' tenners that are withdrawn on a random tuesday night for a cheap bite to eat and a few bottles of heineken cos it's 2 for 1 on 'beer of the day' at juno. i'm a sucker for a bargain.

but i don't ever learn.

take the weekend just gone for example. i spent a 80 quid in less than 24 hours. 40 going on munch, a couple bottles of rank tesco's own rose for a girls night in and yeh erm...ahem...hmmm. another pair of shoes.... BUT LOOK!


absolute crackers aren't they?

yeeeeahh so...

the other 40 quid might aswell have gone down the bleedin' drain after a shocking haircut. the crazy bitch hacked off about 5 inches of my mane after me telling her specifically i wanted to keep the length. she was clearly deaf aswell as dumb and basically left me feeling naked. and with a face like thunder. i've been wearing up it in a bun ever since and will not be letting it down till it's back giving rapunzel a run for her money.

so payday can get stuffed. for all the joy it brings for the first 5 minutes of friday morning, it only brings sadness and inevitable unstoppable spending. oh... and don't be alarmed the next time you see me, if i'm stumbling round the joint sporting a french crop, wolfing down an egg mcmuffin bought with my last fiver and shouting obscenities at the dick that chopped off my locks...but all in my new heels of course.