you uggly

i was once a hater. (my mate kat will no doubt rinse me for this and say "once? you still hate. on everyone and everything. you hate your life love.")

and she's not wrong.

to me, they were affiliated with poker straight straw like haired girls, covered head to toe in tiffany necklaces, bracelets and rings, wearing hideous diamante embellished pauls boutique parkas and sickening jack wills/abercrombie trackies tucked in to them, for the ultimate in 'house of the rar'.

"what choo talkin' about?" i hear you say. like you don't know already. uggs innit.

i ended up getting a pair SIMPLY because my housemate could get them for cheaps and as the usual british blitz came upon us last year, i thought my teeny size 4 trotters could do with a daily cotch inside a furry sleeping bag, instead of squelching and swimming around in my shit ballet pumps from primarni. i'm not gonna lie, they're warm and cosy. but they don't reeaaalllly go with much and as soon as i put them on i feel my personal style takes a little nose dive into... chav. for the sake of comfort do i really want to channel the kerry katona look? my survey saaaays:

eh uhhhhhh.

now, i want to explain the importance of the classic purchase. when they initially came out they were in 4 colours: the beige, the caramel, the chocolate and the black. classics. but...

'hold up, wait a minute'.

why are we now being bombarded on road with leopard print ones, shiny gold metallic ones, ones with beads and bangles hanging off the back, buttoned up, zipped up, ones with added external fur, ribbons, bows and buckles?! what is going ON? not to mention the poor mans chanel clogs they have put pride of place in the covent garden shop window. they look like heeled crocs. so it's a no from me.


the same applies to converse. fearne cotton has 'designed'/put her name to a range for them saying:

"they are definite styles i would wear myself and i've always got a pair in my bag for after a night out!"

really fearne? of your new zebra print or polka dot or faux lace ones?

sure you do.

i've got a sneeeeaky feeling you'll be keeping your louboutins on for the rest of the eve won't you cotton?

although then again, she is designing for very.co.uk, in other words- littlewoods catalogue. so maybe we should take her word for it.

what i'm saying is, it's all about the classics (no, not reeboks.) why you would want to walk around in emblazoned union jack vans or emo skull & cross bones converse is beyond me. it's all a bit extra for my liking. it's unnecessary. it's not original or up and coming. it's straight uggly.

"he had it comin...he only had himself to blaaame"

so apparently dappy from 'nah nah niiiiii' n nubz has been sparked in the the chops by his girl.


1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2. it's about friggin time he got told he's a prat.

3. just look at the picture.

4. tulise/tuloose/tuleesha has said:

"it takes a lot not to hit a girl back - i wouldn't have been able to control myself"

what a lovely lady eh? hmmm how about you go back and write some MORE lyrics about how we should be "stopping knife crime and violence and like you know, we gotta come togeva as one innit, united front and all that, get me?? cos i know yeh, being from the streets, its haaard and we just wanna write songs that reach out to the yoof yeh??"...

and then blurt out a completley contradicting statement like the above.

ridiculous.

old 'papi' ain't gonna be so proud now is he?!

oh and i guess:

5. does anyone actually know what the other wasteface does in the group? nah. me neiths..

does anyone actually give 2 hoots about...

another couple of scandalous weeks in celebsville have flown by, with more and more z listers gracing the red 'allied' carpets in hope of revelling from their "pap me! pap me! i'm a fame hungry dickhead!" picture in the daily star. danny dyer, you catch my drift innit? you ain't a cheeky chappy cockney. you're a knob.

we've got a cheap and tacky wedding to cringe at, another classy photoshoot spread of rihanna with her baps and tattoos out again and yet another poor ed hardy bikini wearing (yep. sympathy stops RIGHT there) WAG toni terry gets her heart stampeeded on by, whaddya know- a cheating scumbagging chelsea cretin. now, you wouldn't see any of wengers boys say for instance thomas 'gavalaaaaaa' vermaelen getting up to dirty deeds like that. cos arsenal have got class. oh and they wouldn't wanna mess with wenger and get their balls cut off. standard.

jordan (yes, i'm reverting back to calling her jordan cos she's a disgraceful dirtbag)and alex reid get hitched in the ever so subtle, non attention grabbing city of las vegas. i'm so sorry but as much as alex came across as a nice guy in cbb and nowhere as annoying as 'far from a' lady sovreign, he's still really butters. the cauliflower ears, the beat up nose, the tangoed tan, the 90's esque french crop. i can't cope. although i do feel a tad sorry for being married to a poor mans pammie and he also has to look after little blonde cutie 'princess'. who looks uncannily like a frog. come on, she does. team peter, team katie- she is toad worthy.


so now, is it just me or are people getting fed up of seeing rihannas boobs and backside spread across a magazine or other? boys, you don't have to answer that, i'm sure you're having a cow over it. but seriously, she did one big built up interview demurely dressed in angelic white claiming it would be the only time she'd be discussing the chris brown saga then guess who's popping up all over the joint, straddling male models on leashes, her wearing nothing but nipple tassels and louboutins claiming she's "still really hurt by it all". really? seems like nothing but a bit of s & m can't cure eh rhi rhi?

anyone see nicola 'the ginger one' roberts from girls aloud make her bbc3 debut about fake tanning and sunbeds? it was eye opening for sure. but i couldn't help but think about how well they've all been doing during their 'year break' from chart topping. i mean, we've got kimberley becoming the latest face for 'new look' (ahem), sarah harding just out on the lash (no change there) and starring in...hmmm i forget the name of the film?? nadine over in LA putting all her hard earned wonga into property (good move nads) and then we have nicola having a cry and a cuppa with burnt to a crisp blondes who stupidly use sunbeds 7 days a week. and lets not forget cheryl, who is smashing it up. and you know in her ditzy little head shes thinking "new look? l'oreal darling. and simon cowell wants to hump me too. muhahahahaha"

comebacks and go backs

so its the start of a new year and i'm excited to see what we're all going to trapsing up and down in throughout the seasons. i say seasons, i mean the majority of the year facing rain, wind, sleet, rain, bit of snow, rain...did i say rain? followed by a bout of around 4 days of a so called summer in july/august. bussin out factor 20 with the whole of hackney and their dogs in london fields cos you know you've gotta get your 2 hours of sun. tan me UP.

and guys, let us NEVER forget festival season that comes with the pre made must haves 'festival look checklist' i've made for you:

- straw trilby hat
- scarf covered in skulls
- ray ban wayfarer imitations, preferably in yellow/red/neon pink
(or look like an even bigger knob and wear the cut out kanye sunnies in white)
- ONLY hunter wellies and knee highs
- the standard hippy headband to compliment your 'just got out of the tent and haven't showered' bed hair. hmmm, you didn't wake up like that. you backcombed it...still.

(que shouting 'got got got' or 'need need need badly' like you're trading for POG's).

now you are good to GO girls. peaches/pixie/sienna eat your heart out. you've got some stiff competition from the heap of urban outfitters clones dahlings.

listen, i like fashion, i do. and i do spend half my wages on garms, shoes and the like, the other half on burgers and becks, but i'll tell thee now- i'm not going to be writing one of those fashionista blogs, you knooooow the:

"i have to say, quite frankly, i was disappointed with christopher kane's collection this season, you know, i just feel he hasn't progressed, he promised romantic meets futuristic and it was just empty...so empty". humph.

shut up.
however, i will sometimes comment on stuff i like and stuff i think is rubbish and generally dry. K?

comeback

bumbags.
heard through the grapevine they're coming back. i'm down! gonna fish out my mcdonalds neon rainbow collection complete with matching sunnies. tell a lie, they were actually my older sisters. jels. back when i was a yoof, i always got lumbered with a happy meal, then used to bawl to my mum cos they'd always run out of the girls toys meaning i had to make do with 'hot wheels' for boys. then came the inevitable "you'll get what you're given"!! from my screaming mother. cool. i walk off sheepishly and give evils to the little girl next to me playing dress up with barbie. THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN MINE!! wench. but yeh anyway (i'm not bitter) bumbags, i wouldn't mind seeing what they are saying, you gotta have something to hold your trousers up innit?

go back

justin's S curls.

dear oh dear LORD justin. lets get one thing straight...s curls have never been cool. ever. not only that, you're wearing a denim shirt with a bow tie...

but back to your mop of greased up-tight, verging on ginger-blond highlighted curls. gone are the days of days of dating hotties like cameron d and destiny, the skin head, the 'rock your body'ing with pharrell "i look butters now i've got 2 ridiculous gold teeth" williams and co. this is geek chic at it's worst and i am no longer a fan. my advice is go shave your head like your nutter of an ex britney and bring some sexy back cos it's long gone at the moment love.

drama rama/ pet peeves volume 2

its been a while but i have my excuses yeah. ok so of course i haven't beem snowed under with work or anything, lets not get ahead of ourselves eh? but just a case of more school night boozings, a whole heap of hair of the dogs and enough hangover tv watched to last me a lifetime. and now this week all i want to do is drink rosy lee refills with a bowl of m & s macaroni cheese (which by the by, has gone from £1.99 to £2.04 recently. bastards). and watch glee. perfect.

anyhoo, another week has gone by for me to notch up another list of daily annoyances i have had to endure. its a never ending story.

amber rose

sorry what is it that you do?? other than look like a bigger dick than your shorter than you boyfriend kanye west? you're annoying.



jay sean

apparently the asian version of justin timberlake. righty oh.
but OMG, he is blates the ultimate bad man cos he screeches out ALL his songs with lil wayne AND he wears revolting louis v diamante belts along with gem encrusted crucifixes/rosary beads AND speaks in a ridiculous faux american accent when really he's from bolton. AMAZING. i am defs "down, down, down, down, down". to my last nerve.

the "old school garage wasn't around when i was 13 but i still love it" girls

after sneaking in through the 'artists and press' VIP queue at SOME night at the den last week (apparently i'm with the gentlemans dub club. dont WORRY about that. suuuuuure i am), got to the bar to see a bazillion offers about vodka redbulls along with 3 hench pyramids made out of red bull cans only to be told... there was no red bull. fantastic.

it was ram jam and as i tried to make my way down to the dirty dubstep room after having to escape the funky house/ uk funky (as my boyfriend says, anything that has to use the word 'funky' is just wrong from the get go) tripe that had started to infiltrate, i was getting stilletoed left, right and centre by 18 year olds in topshops latest platforms.

get out of my way.

cos i'm actually alright for 'glam grime' raving attire, 8 inch heels, batty riders and a new era hat. go on, bap on an ed hardy hoodie and you really COULD be in the next tinchy stryder video. dream a little dream.

moving swiftly onto the next room. old school garage pumpin and on comes miss dynamitee-heeee. look, just sing 'boo' and then go...we don't know your new stuff and we don't really care. you ain't making a comeback. anyway what really peeved me was the singalong crew behind me. after the mc's were telling us to "throw your hands up for aighty aighty" (thats haiti to you and me)the 'we love garage but were actually only 10 when it came out' girls were screaming and "when i say, you say, we say" ing in my friggin ear for the rest of the night. ohhh maybe, i was just being a grouching party pooper cos in the back of my mind i had 4 hours of sleep to grab before work and all these young guns had to think about was their 1pm lecture that they had tomorrow on conceptual art but were inevitably not going to go to. the life eh?

so yeah, thats all for now folks. do keep your eyes peeled for more wooly condom wearing pics of miss rose, i'm sure shes got an array of retarded costumes to showcase in the coming weeks.

for charidee

doing my bit for the haiti charity and get to have a dirty shack out skank out to boot.

on a wednesday.
don't worry.

when i grow up i want to be....

you've all seen it. and i know you are all thinking the same as me but think its too deep to say out loud. well i don't.

the absolutley cracking new kfc ad.



would i be right in saying that it's changed ALL your views on working at the classiest, healthiest establishment in town? made you more open minded about future career choices if the recession really fooks you over? thought so.

the budding chef, all smiles for the camera, harping on about his love of food, how its "all about the 'secret' fresh ingredients", yeah, i bloody bet it is. like "what secret ingredient of fingernail dirt, pube or ball of earwax shall we hide in your twister wrap today"? sorry guys, but thats what goes down behind the chip fryer when all you see is his chef hat/baseball cap bobbing up and down, laughing to himself because according to him "if a jobs worth doing, its worth doing well".

cut to the close up of the plastic looking salad, 1 tomato if you get lucky plus the guaranteed stale carrot shreds and it is looking FRESH. he really has learnt a lot from working there. bless. the menu is hard to beat.

look, i'm sorry. but it will forever and always.... be KFC. where people sit hunched over the latest bargain box, ripping apart a miniscule hot wing with glistening greased up fingers and their mouths slobbering all over an oily corn on the cob smithy and nessa style. and then you whip out the coveted kfc anti bacterial cleaning wipe that cleans aaaallll the dirt away.

it doesn't. go and wash your hands.

but it is the king of all chicken shops! and i could never take that away from the colonel and his minions, who on a daily wear ACTUAL kfc branded tshirts, caps and jeans....yes jeans. but theres no getting away from the simple fact this advert tries excrutiatingly hard to try and persuade us all that working at kfc is like working in the bustling kitchens of ramsey or oliver or blumenthal- actually maybe not blumenthal as his gaffs did get shut down by the health services for food poisoning claims. but then thats what you get for being EXTRA whipping up a rinse out £200 scoop of egg and bacon ice cream nonsense. i'm alright for it heston, just send me a steak and chips please with a slab of fatty fudge cake for afters. saaaaaafe!

finger lickin' good it may be. fingers getting licked whilst cooking it- higher possibility. don't get me wrong, i love a fillet burger with cheese, i do. however, i don't think i will EVER be convinced otherwise that kfc workers couldn't be happier than when they are coating 2 week old chicken breasts in breadcrumbs.